A few months ago, I found a lump that required medical attention. I’ve also had abnormal blood test results and other health issues for several years.
Yesterday I finally had my appointment with a hematologist (blood disorders doctor) in Vancouver. She sent me for more extensive blood tests; in about six weeks I’ll know if I have bone marrow cancer.
Dr Zypchen is a wise, gentle, compassionate hematologist and university professor. She explained the possible outcomes clearly, and quickly reassured and comforted me.
However, I don’t think she believed me when I said I’m not scared or anxious about getting cancer. I also don’t mind waiting for test results—I have lots of horsy stuff to do in Kamloops! Plus, I believe my life is unfolding exactly the way it’s supposed to.
Getting cancer and going through chemotherapy doesn’t scare me. Something else does.
What I’m most scared of
This week I also had an abdominal ultrasound. The technician had to take a second set of images in my right hip area, where I feel a great deal of pain and where I found the lump.
That’s when I started wondering what I’d regret if I die sooner. So, I looked online and found a list by Bonnie Ware, a palliative nurse.
The Top Five Regrets of the Dying:
- I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
- I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
- I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
- I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
- I wish I had let myself be happier.
The final regret scares me the most. I’ve been hard on myself for most of my life! I beat myself up, deny myself good things, and live like a pauper.
What I’m most grateful for
My biggest act of courage and faith is at the very top of this list.
Separating from my husband and choosing a life true to myself is something I will never regret. It is the hardest and most loving thing I’ve ever done.
What scares you? What are you grateful for?
Maybe you wish you had more courage to express your feelings, or make amends for a mistake. Or perhaps you regret working so hard, or having lost touch with friends.
It’s not too late to choose a different path.
Be kind to yourself. Recognize what you’ve done well, and choose to live in ways that fill you with peace, love and joy (even when it’s hard and scary!).
In Feeling Unwanted and Unloved? What to Remember When Nobody Cares I offer comfort and companionship in times of loneliness.
Wow, that’s a lot to take on board. I hope you get some positive news and you are able to manage the pain in your hip . Take care x